Lord Rochester

Allow me to be frank at the commencement. You will not like me. The gentlemen will be envious and the ladies will be repelled. You will not like me now and you will like me a good deal less as we go on. Ladies, an announcement. I am up for it. All the time. That id not a boast or an opinion. It is bone-hard medical fact. I put it round, you know. And you will watch me putting it round and sigh for it. Don't. It is a deal of trouble for you, and you are better off watching and drawing your conclusions from a distance, than you would be if I got my tarse up your petticoats. Gentlemen, do not despair. I am up for that as well. And the same warning applies. Still your cheesy erections till I've had my say, but later when you shag, and later you will shag, I shall expect it of you, and I will know if you have let me down. I wish you to shag with my homuncular image rattling in your gonads. Feel. . . how it was for me, how it is for me. And ponder. Was that shudder the same shudder he sensed? Did he know something more profound? Or is there some wall of wretchedness that we all batter with our heads at that shining live-long moment? That is it. That is my prologue. Nothing in rhyme. No protestations of modesty. You were not expecting that, I hope. I am John Wilmot. Second Earl of Rochester. And I do not want you to like me.

Man 1

Wrens' upset. The clergy approved the most conventional design for the cathedral. Now he feels there's no room for artistic manoeuvre.

King

Put a sub-clause in the warrant 'Variations in the design are to be ornamental rather than essential'. Then he can do what he wants. Next.

Man 1

There are representations for you to be more careful in public.

Man 2

Perhaps a bodyguard.

King

Whose idea is that?

Man 2

Your brother.

King

Ha! No-one's going to kill me if it means having him on the throne. Next.

Man 1

Danby says the army is costing too much. It's Danby's job to balance the books.

King

If he thinks it's good economics to disband the army and be invaded by the French, he can look for another position. Anything else?

Man 2

You asked me to remind you about the Earl of Rochester.

King

When did I banish him?

Man 2

Three months ago.

King

For how long?

Man 2

A year.

King

Bring him back. Now.

J's Mother

John. Be attentive to your wife. She's not accustomed to London.

John

Mother, I shall in all things endeavour to serve her and you.

J's Mother

Serve God.

John

You must not fear London.

Elizabeth

It is not London I fear. You abducted me in a coach like this when I was still a virgin heiress.

John

And did you like abduction?

Elizabeth

Passionately.

John

Speak of it.

Elizabeth

John! This is not the place.

John

Speak to me of abduction.

Elizabeth

I was eighteen. And worth two and a half thousand a year. You ambushed me, bundled me from my coach, and drove me away. The King thrust you in the Tower for it. And I dug in my heels and spurned and shunned the other men. I would only embrace my dear abductor.

George

Dryden's new play. Here, Chas, grab a wodge.

Charles

Dryden couldn't write a laundry list.

Man

Rochester!

Charles

Johnny!

George

Johnny. We were pining for you. Even now we're pining.

John

When I wake in the country, I dream of being in London, and then when I get here, it's full of people like you.

George

Johnny.

John

This reign's a shambles, do you not think? My father risked life and limb hiding that thing Charles up an oak tree.

George

Has he forgiven you?

John

Oh, he's forgiven me. I shan't forgive him.

George

Why did he banish you this time?

John

Well, it is a fine morning, I'm walking through the galleries. The King is walking through the galleries. I'm splendidly alone. The King is surrounded by a slow-moving troop, of Mediterraneans.

Charles

The wife's family.

John

And he must make show of me. 'Behold, the Earl of Rochester, the wit. The poet. Pray, let us have some of your muse'. What am I to do? Then I recall in my pocket I have a sketch of something rustic with nymphs. I pull it out and deliver. "In the Isle of Britain, long since famous grown For breeding the best cunts in Christendom." Rat me, thinks I, this is not the piece of paper I had supposed. The King's eyes are more piercing than I can remember. The jaws of his entourage are decidedly earthbound. This piece of paper is not covered merely with the thump and slop of congress. This poem is an attack on the monarch itself. Culminating in depiction of the royal mistress striving to flog the flaccid royal member into a state of excitement. "This you'd believe had I but time to tell you, The pains it cost to poor laborious Nelly. Whilst she employs hands, fingers, mouth and thighs, Ere she can raise the member she enjoys. All monarchs I hate, and the thrones they sit on, From the hector of France to the cully of Britain."

George

It's damn good, though, Johnny.

John

Course it's good. That's not the point. The point is he couldn't appreciate it. It took me nearly an hour to write it, just to please him. Three months in the fucking country at the height of the season. Missed all the good plays.

George

Boring old Rowley. We love you, Johnny. Give us a stanza and we'll laugh in the King's place.

John

To Etherege, I drink a pledge. His life has run the gamut. He's penned nought good since She Would If She Could. He would if he could, but he cannot.

George

Well, Johnny, it is a damn well said thing, but it ain't true, do you see?

John

Oh, but it is true, Georgie. You think you can still enjoy the town's esteem for something you wrote seven years ago. You can't be promising for ever, George. Sooner or later you must do something.

George

But that's what I'm saying. I have written a new play.

John

Oh. Written a new play has he? All those afternoons he was pretending to slope off and roger his mistress like a decent chap, he was lurking in his rooms, poking away at a play. That is disgusting, George.

Charles

Disgusting and shameful.

John

What's it about, your play? A satire on Dryden?

George

Pox o' Dryden. It's about you.

John

And in your play, do you tell the truth about me?

George

Well, I've attempted to show you. . .

John

Yes?

George

Well, I enjoy your company.

John

You've made me endearing.

George

Well, only the public can. . .

John

Don't smarm around, George.

George

You're an endearing sort of. . . chap.

John

So you haven't told the truth. Good. We don't want to go frightening people. Now, how about a real play?

Charles

The Duke's have the new Otway.

John

Oh, I have high hopes of young Tom Otway. Let me finish him off, sir.

Master

This fellow is my servant. He has just filched two shillings from my coat pocket.

John

A thief and a rogue.

Master

My lord, you express it.

John

Haven't quite got the hang of the reign yet, have you?

Master

I will not employ a thief.

John

Then I will. How much was your master paying you?

Alcock

Six shillings a week, sir.

John

Who talks of thieving? George, give him five pounds. Buy a brown livery and report to me at the Duke's Theatre.

Master

He will steal your gold.

John

I hope so. If he turned honest after coming into my orbit, then I am not the malicious planet I had hoped. Now begone, sir.

Tailor

And er. . . how will your lordship be paying?

John

Credit. I only use coin vulgarised with the monarch's head for transactions with servants.

Tailor

I am ever your humble servant.

John

No, Mr Ratcliffe, you are the very prince of drapery.

Tailor

The prince is always happy to see the King's head.

John

But hot to carry it around in his pocket.

Tailor

Credit then.

George

Billy. Join us. Johnny. This is Billy Downs. Billy, this is the Earl of Rochester.

John

How old are you, Mr Downs?

Billy

Eighteen, my lord.

John

Young man, you will die of this company. Do not laugh. I'm serious. Mr Ratcliffe, this hangs very well.

Billy

My lord, I saw you just now with the gent's servant.

John

Do you think I dispensed wisely in the matter?

Billy

If the fool run off with the gold, then you prove a point, but at your loss. If he return in your livery, then you've gained a servant who is a known cheat. So you prove a different point, but again at your own expense.

John

You summarise well, Mr Downs. And in such a manner, I deduce you were trained at one of the 'count the angels on a pinhead' Cambridge colleges. King's, was it not?

Billy

It was, my lord.

John

King's, yes. And yet you do not draw the moral of the incident.

Billy

Which is?

John

That any experiment of interest in life will be carried out at your own expense. Mark it well.

Alcock

My lord! My Lord Rochester.

John

You've come back.

Alcock

In your livery, my lord.

John

Then you are turned honest. I cannot support that.

Alcock

I regret the deed's honesty. My Lord. But I considered that if I performed it and fell into your service, I would have more. . . enjoyment of life.

John

You see, this fellow has the hang of the reign. I like this fellow exceedingly. What is your name?

Alcock

Alcock.

George

Like master, like servant.

John

Well, Alcock, you shall drink and shag more than any serving man in the kingdom. Go at once and spend the rest of the money on a whore, a large, greasy one. Then when you are done, return here to me. Now begone.

Man 1

Rochester!

Woman 1

Disgrace!

Man 1

Rochester! Rochester! Missed you, Lord Rochester! He is risen! My Lord!

Woman 2

My Lord!

Man 2

Impertinent bastard!

Man 3

Johnny! My Lord Rochester!

Man 4

Rochester, you are a cunt, sir!

Woman 3

I smell a rotten odour.

Woman 4

I'll suck it for you, Johnny, if you promise not to marry me!

Woman 5

Johnny said 'cunt' to the King!

Charles

I'm going to brazen my arse at them.

George

They've all seen it.

Charles

Well, they can bloody well put up with it again.

Woman 5

Johnny said 'cunt' to the King!

All

Johnny said 'cunt' to the King! Johnny said 'cunt' to the King! Johnny said 'cunt' to the King! Johnny said 'cunt' to the King!

Jane

My Lord.

John

Dear Jane.

Jane

Give you your first London spurt of the summer.

John

I brought the wife with me.

Jane

Bit of a waste. Shooting good jism up the lawful.

Mr Harris

Ladies and gallants all, the King!

John

Oh, freeze my piss, if the royal finger ain't beckoning me. How exciting. Did you miss me?

Jane

I missed the money.

John

Good. Don't like a whore with sentiment.

King

I could have ignored your poem, Johnny, but I made a fuss about it for a reason. I won't hide anything from you. The country's on the brink. People are still reeling from the fire, the plague. The Catholics are plotting, the Dutch are a bunch of bastards. And the French are ten times worse, and there's no money. I can only get funds by crawling to parliament or plotting against them. And I don't want to lock antlers with them head on in the way my father did.

John

'Head on'. That's quite good.

King

When you first came to court, Johnny, you were a boy of eighteen. A certain flippancy, a whiff of impertinence. This was acceptable. But we're ten years down the road and the view is different. The tone has to change. I have to look responsible, sober. I want you with me. That's why I brought you back. I want you to take on a new role.

John

Here? In the playhouse?

King

No, the House of Lords. Your father spirited me out of England when my life was at stake, so I looked after him and after you.

John

You put me in the Tower.

King And I let you out. The time has come for you to pay your dues. People listen to you, Johnny. If you took your seat in the Lords, you could make great speeches that would influence events. Anyone can oppose. It's fun to be against things. But there comes a time when you have to start being for things as well.

John

Your Majesty.

Woman

Mr Etherege. Take a nibble?

George

I've had my dinner, thank you, madam.

Billy

George.

Lizzie

Is this thy plighted faith? Is this thy truth? Oh, too unkind! False and unconstant youth! Madam, believe not but my brother's just.

John

Who's she?

George

She's Lizzie Barry. And she just won't do.

Lizzie

You wrong his honour by this mean distrust.

Man

Louder!

John

Well.

Actress

That does alleviate my griefs and give my wearied soul a soft and kind reprieve. Which ever to forget would be as hard and as impossible as to reward.

Lizzie

Serving you my happiness secures. Since equally with yours my hopes are crossed.

Audience

Get off.

Lizzie

Of all but sorry and sad despair.

Molly

Lizzie. Lizzie! On stage. You must take your bow for the public. Why do you insist in doing the opposite of what you are told? If girls like you do not do what they are told, then it is all up with our sex on the stage. You cannot ignore the advice of them that know! Now, acknowledge your audience.

Lizzie

They can kiss my arse.

Charles

She's a good fuck, but she costs. She gives a nice gobble, but she won't do the full wibbly-wobbly.

George

She does it with me.

Charles

She does not! Mary, if I may say so a statuesque performance.

George

Bursting with Grecian promise.

Mr Harris

Mrs Barry, the work we did beforehand, did it mean nothing to you/

Lizzie

That is correct, Mr Harris.

Mr Harris

Molly, I cannot tech those who will not be disposed to learn. Mr Etherege, how do you do, sir?

George

Well, Mr Harris.

Mr Harris

Was my Lord Rochester in with you?

George

Darted off.

Mr Harris

Did you care for the play?

George

The play was well enough.

Billy

Most of the acting, too.

John

Mrs Barry.

Molly

She has been dismissed.

John

I bring word from Mt Betterton.

Lizzie

I've had such already.

John

This is quite another.

Lizzie

You have obtained a reprieve for me.

John

Yes, madam, but there is a price. This is your first season on the London stage.

Lizzie

It is, my lord.

John

Mrs Barry, you must acquire the trick of ignoring those who do not like you. In my experience, those who do not like you fall into two categories, the stupid and the envious. The stupid will like you in five years' time, the envious never. With my training, you will become the best, the most fascinating actress on the London Stage. I shall come to the theatre tomorrow.

George

What are you up to, Johnny? She can't act.

Billy

She has neither the cadence of the heroic nor the posture.

John

I will wager you twenty guineas she will become the finest actress on our stage.

Charles

This is the prick talking, not the head. Knob her and have done.

John

Is it a wager?

George

My dear friend, you do not have twenty guineas.

John

Is it a wager?

Charles

We've missed the fuck. Can we get a drink?

Billy

There's a new toping house hard by called Deaf Marion's.

George

Ah, the Cambridge boy knows his books by heart. Lead on, King's.

John

Alcock.

Alcock

My lord.

John

Something rotten has got into my guts.

Alcock

I trust it is not me, my lord.

John

No, Alcock, it is not. Not yet.

Elizabeth

We should mark the front lawn at Adderbury for pall-mall. I had always thought it a foolish game.

John

Depends on who you play with.

Elizabeth

The King plays with a common prostitute, not his wife.

John

The Portuguese have little flair for outdoor pursuits. Except navigating, of course.

Elizabeth

I mean that the etiquette of it is singular.

John

I know what you mean.

Elizabeth

You must always be ace, king and jack, my dear. But heaven has not disposed your cards so.

George

Johnny! It's your shot!

John

I'm not playing!

King

Oh, but you are, John. You are if I say you are. The most advanced scientific instrument in western Europe. It cost £60,000. It tells the time in every corner of the globe. Understand? That is achievement. The man who did that was not continually pissed for the last three years.

John

What do you want from me?

King

Writing something profound that will stand as a monument to my reign. You're my literary giant. Dryden? Plodder. But look what he's achieved. Elizabeth had her Shakespeare. You can be mine. Give me a major work of literature and I'll give you five hundred guineas.

John

When would you like it? Friday?

King

Don't fuck it up, John. I love you.

Molly

Mrs Barry! I cannot let you have long. I must prepare Tamburlaine. There's a great deal of setting up.

John

Mrs Barry.

Molly

. . . And a great deal of taking down.

Lizzie

My Lord Rochester.

John

I'm come as I said I would.

Lizzie

Would you have me lift my skirt? Or do you have a mind to raise it by your own endeavours?

John

I'm come to train you. . . in your acting.

Lizzie

So you said when we first met, but your reputation being what it is, I thought you meant something different.

John

I have, I hope, many reputations. I am come, I say, to train you in your stage acting.

Lizzie

Never in my life have I heard you spoken of as an actor.

John

That does not deter me from spreading my insights to others.

Lizzie

I thought it would not.

John

Then we shall begin. You are familiar with the plays of Mr Etherege?

Lizzie

There are but two, my lord.

John

Not for long, I fear. The Comical Revenge or Love In A Tub. Have you seen Mrs Betterton playing Garciana?

Lizzie

Yes, I'm her understudy.

John

Indeed. Act Two, Scene Two. I shall play Beaufort. Graciana, why do you condemn your love? Your beauty without that, alas, would prove but my destruction. An unlucky star prognosticating ruin and despair.

Lizzie

You mistake. 'Tis not my love I blame, but my discretion. Here the active flame should yet a longer time have been concealed. Too soon, too soon I fear it was revealed. Our weaker sex glories in surprise. We boast the sudden conquests of our eyes. But men esteem a foe that dares contend. One that with noble courage does defend a wounded heart. The victories they gain, they prize by their own hazard and their pain.

John

That was not Elizabeth Barry. That was Mrs Betterton.

Lizzie

An understudy must imitate, not create.

John

Yesterday you created.

Lizzie

Yesterday I was dismissed.

John

But you played truthfully.

Lizzie

It costs too much to play the truth.

John

I do not think you have considered this speech at all.

Lizzie

Well, how would you have me do it?

John

Let us consider now. What does it mean, that speech that Mrs Betterton mangled so?

Lizzie

Graciana means that she has given away the secrets of her heart too freely. Something that a gentlewoman must not do to a gentleman.

John

Why not?

Lizzie

Because men will take love for granted and then not prize it.

John

And is our author right? Do you believe that?

Lizzie

I believe men are hurdles that must be negotiated.

John

Is that all? Do you never feel passion for us?

Lizzie

I've counterfeited passion in gentlemen's beds if that is your meaning.

John

Counterfeit will not serve you on the stage.

Lizzie

Yesterday I was jeered and taunted by four hundred ruffians. I know that will not serve me.

John

And so you will take their word against both of ours and traffic in falsehood from now on?

Lizzie

I don't know.

John

Then let us gain knowledge. To the speech again. You played it sweetly. Graciana is not innocent or she would not have such insight. If you had ever loved a man, you would say that speech with regret. Because you would fear the loss of him.

Lizzie

And supposing I have loved?

John

Then show me in the speech.

Lizzie

Sir, you mistake. 'Tis not my love I blame, but my discretion. Here the active flame should yet a longer time have been concealed. Too soon, too soon I fear it was revealed. Our weaker sex glories in surprise. We boast the sudden conquests of our eyes. But men esteem a foe that dares contend. One that with noble courage does defend a wounded heart. The victories they gain, they prize by their own hazard and their pain. Well? Was there improvement?

John

Did you think so?

Lizzie

I wish to know your thoughts.

John

It was better. But now you're too angry.

Lizzie

Of course I'm fucking angry! You walk into this theatre in tour thirty shilling boots telling me how I should set about my work! I warn you, I have a temper. And I have been known to strike out with the first object at hand. Well, and if that be a property blade, some have sharper edges than is needful, so have a care.

John

Ahhh. To die onstage at the hands of a beautiful woman.

Lizzie

I am no such!

John

I think I can make you an actress of truth, not a creature of artifice. I can do this. But I cannot train you unless you give a little towards me.

Lizzie

It's not in my nature to give. I have my talent and I'm jealous of it. And though I give you credit that you and you alone in all the town have seen it, I am not so dazzled by the lord and master in you that I cannot resent you. Yes. You are right. I am intent on doing something that no other has yet done. And I lost my purpose yesterday with fear of the pit. But I will conquer them. And it shall not be said when I have my fame and my two pounds a week that Lord Rochester took to me and touched me with the shining wing of his genius and so turned me into a little corner of his greatness. No! I shall be valued for me. And for what I knew I could do upon this stage! And for what I, Lizzie Barry. . . how I. . . I took the heat of my own soul and moulded it and turned it into a wondrous thing and so triumphed.

John

If I can help you to that triumph, I am not so devoted to the trumpeting of my own works that I would wish to take credit.

Lizzie

So you say now. But in the ale house, when the play is done, and the talk is of my Cleopatra, will you not glide towards your cronies with a 'I taught her that piece of business' or 'She could not be heard in the gallery until I instructed her in a trick or two'?

John

Madam, I offer my services. If you see no advantage in them, they can as easy be withdrawn.

Lizzie

You could buy my slit for a pound a night, sir. I would not mind that. But I think you would not have it so. What I think you want is power over me, which I do bridle at. For it is only I who can do what you say I can do. If you wish to play a part in this, I would strongly know why.

John

Ask yourself what you want from the theatre.

Lizzie

I want the passionate love of my audience. I want when I make a sweep of my arm to carry their hearts away. And for when I die, for them to sigh for never seeing me again. 'Till the next afternoon.

John

There is your answer. I want to be one of that multitude. I wish to be moved. I cannot feel in life. I must have others do it for me here in the theatre.

Lizzie

You are spoken of as a man with a stomach for life.

John

I am the cynic of our golden age. This bounteous dish, which our great Charles and our great God have, more or less in equal measure, placed before us, sets my teeth permanently on edge. Life has no purpose. It is everywhere undone by arbitrariness. I do this and it matters not a jot if I do the opposite. But in a playhouse, every action, good or bad, has it's consequences. Drop a handkerchief and it will return to smother you. The theatre is my drug. And my illness is so far advanced that my physic must be of the highest quality.

Lizzie

Oh, my lord, on these conditions, I endeavour to do what you want.

John

What I want is that we meet again tomorrow to consider Ophelia.

Lizzie

Ophelia?

John

Mr Betterton will revive hamlet next month and you will play Ophelia.

Lizzie

Ophelia then if you wish. But let us not neglect the lesson in Mr Etherege's speech.

John

And what is that?

Lizzie

That women should ever view men with suspicion.

John

I shall be happy to return and address our work with that instruction written on the inside of my skull. Do me now.

Jane

How?

John

Mouth. Trembling, confused, despairing, limber, dry, A wishing, weak, unmoving lump I lie. This. . . dart of love, whose piercing point, oft tried, With virgin blood ten thousand maids have dyed, Now languid lies in this unhappy hour. Shrunk up. . . and sapless, like a withered flower.

Jane

I have a feeling this is going nowhere.